I’ve written this post in my head a dozen times over the past week and a half, yet I have no idea how to get this out there “the right way”. Maybe it’s because no one could possibly even begin to write a tutorial on how to share this kind of thing on a public blog but here it goes.
On July 6 I got some quite unexpected news. I was pregnant.
Lance had staff duty that night and I was getting ready to go pick up some Applebees to-go and meet him up for dinner. I’m still not entirely sure what made me take that pregnancy test but it was clear as day, no doubts about it – the second line showed up within 5 seconds – I was pregnant.
I told him right before dinner by placing the stick on the desk, next to the to-go bag for him to find.I will never forget his face. Excitement, surprise, nervousness all wrapped up in one – a mirrored reflection of how I was feeling inside.We told our families – my mom cried – and a couple of closed friends. The more time went by, the more we got excited. We started pricing out diapers, thinking of names, and colors for the nursery. We read the baby apps together before bed. After much fight with Tricare and having to make about 500 phones calls, I finally got in to see my OB on Monday July 23.
I was about 8 weeks along, and while I knew “protocol” said not to share pregnancy news until 12 weeks, I was planning on coming home that day and sharing pictures from my ultrasound with you all and telling you all about this unexpected but extremely excited time in our lives.
As you’ve probably figured out by now – by lack of said post – things did not go as expected.
After the typical family history and the like questions our doctor pulled out the ultrasound machine. Lance and I could not have been more excited, we would finally meet our baby. Except after a few seconds nothing was showing up. Only an empty pregnancy sac, sized at exactly 8 weeks but no baby.
From here things are kind of a blur, I remember Lance caressing my arm somewhat frantically,the doctor trying new angles, the nurse holding her breath and then those words “Empty sac. Incomplete miscarriage“.
I wanted nothing more than to leave, get out of there, go back to my couch to pin cute baby things and read diapers reviews.
I didn’t understand, there had been no pain, no bleeding but at some point nature – some weeks earlier – recognized that something was wrong, took over and our baby stopped developing. Shocked, hurt, devastated, do not even begin to describe how we felt. The past week an a half have been bad. Really bad. Both emotionally and physically which is why I haven’t blogged. Somehow writing some happy go-lucky post felt and seemed just so wrong.
I know I didn’t have to share this with you, I know this is something deeply personal, much more personal than I ever am on here but I wanted to… needed to.
Before I began blogging I did not know how much this happens. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage yet when this happened to us I could name one person I knew in real life that had been through this and we aren’t exactly close. I felt like, aside from my husband of course, I had no one to turn to – no one that could just get it, so when it came time to turn to someone for help, for understanding, for a shoulder to cry on I turned to some of my blog friends. So much the same way some of my blog friends have before, I wanted to share this story, the story of my worst week ever, so if you ever go through this you know that you are not alone, and if you need someone to talk to please email me. I want to be there for you, listen to you, and just be there for you as other bloggers have been there for me.